ANDREW SCOTT: WRITER, EDITOR, TEACHER

First, the amazing original.

“Doesn’t sound too bad. I’ll try to stay awake.”

“Hold it, hold it. What is this? Are you trying to trick me?”

“Stop saying that!”

“We are men of action. Lies do not become us.”

“Oh, the sot has spoken.”

 “Friendless, brainless, helpless, hopeless!”

 ”Do you always begin conversations this way?”

 ”Look, I don’t mean to be rude, but this is not as easy as it looks, so I’d appreciate it if you wouldn’t distract me.”

  ”Beautiful, isn’t it? It took me half a lifetime to invent it. I’m sure you’ve discovered my deep and abiding interest in pain.”

“So let’s just start with what we have. What did this do to you? Tell me. And remember, this is for posterity, so be honest. How do you feel?”

“A trifle simple, perhaps.”

“I admit it, you are better than I am.”

“Get used to disappointment.”

“The battle of wits has begun.”

“Truly, you have a dizzying intellect.”

“We face each other as God intended. Sportsmanlike. No tricks, no weapons. Skill against skill alone.”

“You mock my pain.”

“Life is pain, Highness. Anyone who says differently is selling something.”

“We’ll never succeed. We may as well die here.”

“… and thank you so much for bringing up such a painful subject. While you’re at it, why don’t you give me a nice paper cut and pour lemon juice on it?”

“That doesn’t leave much time for dilly-dallying.”

“So bow down to her if you want. Bow to her. Bow to the Queen of Slime, the Queen of Filth, the Queen of Putrescence. Boo. Boo. Rubbish. Filth. Slime. Muck. Boo. Boo. Boo.”

“The Pit of Despair!”

“I’m not listening!”

“I think that’s about the worst thing I’ve ever heard. How marvelous.”

by Andrew Scott, author of Naked Summer